Midnight confessions.

As much as I hate to admit it, I must say that I've been struggling lately.  I'm so damn tired of being alone that I seem to fall for any guy that looks at me, and it's getting pathetic.  I don't know...I guess I'm just tired of getting my hopes up and then being let down time and time again by a guy who can't follow through.  I must say that for the first time I'm actually really glad that I'm stick to my abstinence goal.  As much as I hate being alone, I'd hate even more to not be alone for the wrong reasons.  I don't want to be the girl that guys only go to when they want a piece of ass.  I've been there, done that.  Yeah, it was fun...for awhile, but I'm over it now.  I have no interest in being someone's booty call any more.  I deserve more than that.

But, with that comes other sacrifices...like feeling alone all the time.  It's something I'm used to, and most nights I enjoy being alone...but sometimes you just want to fall asleep next to someone, just to be close to someone and know that you're not entirely alone in this great big universe.  I guess good things come to those who wait, so I'll keep on waiting.  I'll find him.  I'll find the guy that's going to give me the time of day without hesitation.  I'll find the guy who knows what he wants and knows that he wants it with me.  I'll find a guy who isn't into games or leading me on or doesn't make a mess of things.  I'll find him...I know he's out there.  I thought I already had, but I guess once again it was just wishful thinking.  I have a habit of doing that.

There must be a guy out there who knows that I'm worth it.  I just have to find him...or rather, let him find me.  I'll let him sweep me off my feet and I won't put up a fight.  Not this time.

If only...




Honestly, I had thought it was Micheal.  I had thought that finally the timing was right, finally we could make it work.  But I think we might be beyond that.  I fear that we're destined to be "just friends" forever.  Besides, he needs to be single for awhile.  And how would it work out?  As far away as he is he might as well be on another planet.  Or back in Iraq.  Like I said, it was just wishful thinking...or school girl fantasies.  I don't know.  He's everything I could ever ask for and hope for.  On my check list, he's got it all.  But maybe that isn't what's important.  If it's not, then I don't know what is.  I'm confused about it all.  How can you feel like someone is so right for you and yet, feel like it's just not meant to be?  That's a cruel joke for fate to play on a person.  Show you exactly what it is you want and have been dreaming about your entire life...just to yank it away and laugh in your face.  "It's just not meant to be."  Well damn it, why not?  Why can't I have exactly what I'm looking for?  Don't I deserve to get it?  Aren't I good enough?  Or is it the same thing that I've had to deal with my entire life...never being good enough.  Not good enough for my parents, not good enough for my friends, never good enough for any guy ever.  


Ugh.  I need to get away from these thoughts and feelings.  I know where they lead and I don't want to go down that road.  


I'm just so tired of waiting.  I'm not getting any younger and eventually life is just going to pass me by.  He's just going to pass me by.


Maybe it's time to give up on that fantasy and move on to something else.  Maybe it's time to focus on a new dream.  I'm done waiting.  I've spent too much of my life waiting.  I don't deserve to be on the sidelines in my own life.  Either someone will realize just how great I am and will make it a point to be with me, or they won't.  I can't sit around hoping that one day they'll open their eyes.  Either you want to be with me, or you don't.  If you do, you'll do whatever it takes to make it happen...and if I'm not worth the effort, then you don't want me bad enough.  Then again...I'd rather be alone than with anyone else.  I know that sounds pathetic, but it's true.  I fall asleep dreaming of him, I talk about him to people who don't even know him.  I'm hopeless.  This is hopeless.


This is me...trying to move on.  No more of this.  I'm done.

Day 5 — Your dreams

My dreams.  I don't even know where to begin.  I'm pretty sure I've lost sight of all my dreams.  Once upon a time I had a nice long list of all the things I wanted to achieve.  I'm thinking now though that I need to revisit this list and make a new one.  I've come to the stark realization that my dreams might be too big to achieve.  However, what's the point of dreaming if you don't dream big?  Although, I guess if you don't then you've got no reason to fail and be disappointed in yourself.

Failure.  Always something I've hated but something I've grown accustomed to.  I don't know.  Maybe this is why it's so easy to be placated even when I don't accomplish anything I want.  Or maybe I've just come to realize some new dreams of mine.  For instance, as much as I would love to work on mass graves I've come to the understanding that I really don't NEED to do it.  I'd be perfectly fine doing something else.  I've kind of gotten the idea into my head of becoming a teacher...despite the fact that I used to hate the idea.  I really do think I'd be good at it.  I love being a substitute teacher and I think I'd enjoy having my own class so much more.  I don't know...just a new thought I've been sitting on.  Unfortunately that means a bit more schooling (I'm never going to finish)!

No matter how much my dreams change (and I expect them to keep on changing), I know I'll end up exactly where I'm supposed to be and I know I'll eventually figure it all out.  Until then I'm just trying to enjoy the journey and learn as much as I possibly can about everything I possibly can.  I'm happy, and all I can hope for is to have much more happy days than sad ones.  A day without laughing is a day wasted, so I'm just going to try to spend as many days laughing as I can.  Other than that, I'm really not worried about what the future may or may not hold.  It will all come together in the end, I'm sure of it.

So, to my dreams.  I will keep discovering and re-evaluating you.  Just keep me company and I'm sure one day we'll meet and everything will come together.


Erin Rae